Letter #3

Becca,

Do you plan on acquiring some sort of age:anger ratio at which to grow angrier?

That’s a shame about your kingdom of hamsters. Does your golden sakura necklace really mean that much to you?

Today was Easter. Tomorrow we go back to class. How messed up is that? We should have tomorrow off.

Do you have a fictionpress.com account? You could get more people to review your stories like that. And you wouldn’t even have to interact with them like some sort of non-hikikomori!

-Phil

Letter #2

Becca,

I’m sorry that you can’t do anything on Saturday. Your family sure does like church. Maybe you Lastnamewithheldforpublicitypurposes will enjoy it? That sounds silly saying your last name like that. If only I knew your last name, Becca Lastnamewithheldforpublicitypurposes. What publicity purposes are keeping you from giving out your last name? Are the paparazzi after you again asking you about your golden sakura necklace?

I just saw on TV that a 102 year old lady hit a hole-in-one in golf. What, does she think she’s special now? Well, I guess she is. Apparently she’s the oldest person ever to hit a hole-in-one. When you’re 103, you should get a hole-in-one just to piss her off and break her record. It’s not like you’ll have anything better to do in your cardboard box with your microwave.

-Phil

Letter #1

Becca,

With a name like “Unlimited Blog Works,” you’d think he would update more often.

I hope when you live under the bridge you can find food. If not, I’ll give you a hamburger. Yesterday I went to Wendy’s for lunch and got a hamburger, and then I went home and cooked what I’d left to defrost the night before – a hamburger. They were both good though. Still, two hamburgers in one day. I’m not positive, but there’s probably a daily recommended allowance of hamburgers. Since I’ll still probably fail at planning ahead when I’m older, there will probably be an abundance of hamburgers then, too.

How about you write about authors you like AND hot plates. I don’t mean both individually, no. Combine them! What would happen if Jane Austen put her hand on a hot plate? Would she be able to write anymore? Would she turn into Johnny Tremain and learn to write with the other hand?

Microwaves are awesome. Aren’t you glad we don’t have to heat our frozen pizza rolls over a fire like the cavemen had to do?

Oh, how will you plug your microwave in under the bridge?

-Phil