Shoes

I think a good “useless superpower” for me would be the ability to zap someone’s shoes with my finger and replace them with something that isn’t offensively ugly. Those hybrid sneaker/dress shoes by all of these mall brands are seriously awful, and I’m not sure how they gained popularity, but their lack of simplicity is absolutely horrid.

You don’t really have to eschew all sartorial sensibility to dress comfortably or cheap. Sure, a good pair of leather dress shoes aren’t cheap, but Vans authentics are $45. Converse Jack Purcells are $60. You can even get a pair of PF Flyers on 6pm.com for like $20 if you wait for one of their sales, which happen like once or twice a week.

Admittedly, on the cheaper side of dress shoes, quality options are limited, but for the price of your Steve Madden sneaker/dress shoe hybrid or those fake leather “dress shoes” with the ugly two inch thick rubber sole, you can get an infinitely better-looking dress shoe.

I don’t think people realize how negatively a pair of shoes can impact an entire outfit.

Useless statuses

I try not to be cynical about these sorts of things, but sometimes it’s hard to not bring attention to the amount of ridiculous shit people post on Facebook.

1) That “Kidd Kraddick double my pay” thing can go eat shit. Thanks for asking multiple people to spam my feed every morning with your bullcrap, Kidd Kraddick.

2) People that use their Facebook like it’s a part of their job. You are not your company’s social networking guru, and if you are, you suck at it. I didn’t friend you to hear about the business you work for; I friended you to hear about you. If you have something to say about work, that’s fine. Go for it.

3) If you post a controversial status, don’t get upset when someone disagrees with you.